Taking time off Loving myself-*

Thursday, October 2, 2008

-11:08 PM

今天心情。。。

今天，眼睛肿肿地去上班
心中丝毫有几分无奈
虽有艳阳高照
但总觉得天有点阴霾
原来自己一直压韵着心情
希望这样就不会那么伤心

但是，一个人的时候
真的会有一点空虚
在商店里一直徘徊
好像忘了些什么
只知道脑海里，全都是你

你说，我应该长大了
我也觉得是生活让我快速地长大
但却很想保留一点童真
可以很容易地得到满足
也很容易忘记爱哭的自己

其实，我并不是很贪心
总是要你无时无刻地在我身旁
但在幸福隔着一片大海时
难免会不自禁感到难过
也会怀念那熟悉的拥抱

我猜，时间应该不会过得太慢
偶尔也能让你的声音来给我安慰
思念会成为我的好友
陪伴着我许多寂寞时刻
让我在等待中
也可以过得很甜蜜

=)

Labels: missing u

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

-11:52 PM

I just read about something from Shape magazine. Not exactly the kind of 'how to lose that flab in 10 days' kind of article, but rather, something more towards the topic of 'life, appreciates it'.

I quote from the Article: We don't live in a place that celebrates contentment.

So DARN true.

I was complaining about life. Complaining about how discontented I was. And I credit all these discontentments to the kind of society that I am living in. I grew up not knowing something that Christians would called 'a calling in life'. I led my life through rough patches, only to have a few instances of glorified moments, which to date, I felt that I have not really shared with any significant one. Or rather, no one really celebrated these moments with me, till the point where they become insignificant even to myself.

After reading the article, and finished watching my last episode of '执法代言人', I really think that I have not appreciated the very minute things in life, which I should be happy and contented about. Suddenly, i had a thought in mind, "Will I only start to live life, only towards the end of it?" I have no idea how many moments, chances, friends, time, family I have missed and lost through these years. And the funny thing is, why is it that hard to learn from mistakes?

There are two huge regrets in my life. One, my grandmother, second, undisclosed.

Until now, almost 2 years since my grandma left me, I still feel that I have owed her something. Made an innocent promise when I was barely 10 years old. "Ma ma, I'll work hard at my studies. I'll be the first in our family to go into university. Then I'll make lots of money and we can travel to your hometown!" I was an A-grade student. Second in level in my secondary school. Winner of Theresian Shield Award for excellence in both academic and sports. But along the way, I lost my focus. In JC, I was nowhere near the top, although I was in the best class. I made it into university, but struggled through half the engineering modules to finally get a second class honors at best. My relationship with my grandma, pretty much followed the same trend. From spending all my school holidays with her and my cousins, to hardly staying at home to eat the dinner she prepared, friends became a more important part of my life than her. And I never found out where exactly, her hometown was.

Though I still remember my promise, I did not get to fulfill it. 3... number of times she fainted at home and all 3 times, I happened to be at home and managed to send her to the hospital. God had to give me 3 chances, to tell me that her remaining time with me was short, and I did not realize it. When I see her at her last stage of her life at the nursing home, I really hated myself. Hated the fact that being the most educated one, I have to talked to the doctors, and calmly explain the situation to the rest of my family, when I did not understand how her condition could turn for the worst all of a sudden myself. Then again, I thought about my little promise, how near I was to achieving it because I was about to graduate, and how far it actually turned out to be...

I think until the day, when I can finally tell myself to accept that regrets are not a form of reminder to bring back painful memories, but rather, they each provide some learning values that will ultimately make me a better person, I will never snap out of this self-sorrow/pity state.

I read JJ's latest entry in his blog. And from the way he mentioned about treating himself right, I knew that this period of studying and exams almost every other day is really stressful for him, though he hardly shows it in front of me. I asked him, "Any way where I can help?" He replied, "Yup, make my weekends enjoyable." As simple as that. If I keep working at keeping things simple, making small changes at a time, will I start to enjoy my days more? I really don't know, but I have decided to give it a try.

One small change per week.

To a better, healthier and happier life ahead.

Labels: Blabbers

Thursday, July 3, 2008

-11:44 PM

Today received an email at work... its about a true love story, based in China.

~
Decades ago, there was a young man, only in his eighteen. By chance, or some believed to be by fate, he met and immediately fell in love with an older woman. She was in her twenties then. Being in a conservative society, it was unacceptable for a younger man to fall in love with an older woman, much less a widow burdened with a child. To the young man's family, it was a total disgrace, and they strongly went against their relationship.

Knowing that they were not going to receive their family's blessings, they eloped. They went far away from home, to somewhere totally unfamiliar. They left everything behind, to start a new life together, a life belonging to just the 2 of them (and of course, their children). When they reached their new home, there was nothing; no electricity, no water source, and it was right at the top of some mountainous place. Slowly, they started to build a shed, a place where they would call 'home'.

The couple matured and aged together. Lived the kind of life, which fairy tales described as 'happily ever after', albeit without the glamour, nor the beautiful castle. The man loved his wife so dearly, that he started to carve steps onto the mountain tracks, so that it would be more convenient for his wife to go down to the bottom of the mountain. A simple act of true love for his wife continued for decades, even though his wife seldom went down the mountain anyway. Over the years, he painstakingly carved a total of more than 6000 steps with both his hands.

Finally, the man passed away from old age. His wife stayed by his deathbed all the while, holding his hands tightly in hers. The last words the man heard was his wife's gentle sobbing, "how am I supposed to live on, without you?"

Today, the 6000 steps are still preserved, to remind all of us, of this very simple, but yet, great love story.
~

Why can some couple be so blissfully happy, when they have nothing but each other?
Why do others, fight through their lives, just to find that they are unsuitable for each other?
Why do couples love each other, and yet hurt each other?
Why do people get together, and then go their separate ways?
Why is love, always tagged to so many other things?

I find, that I really don't understand love.

Labels: Blabbers

Sunday, May 25, 2008

-11:57 PM

"Do you know they broke up?"
"What? Wow... its like a growing trend in our group... you better be careful and not be the next"

A very disturbing conversation I had with my friend today.

Another disturbing news, one guy friend of mine is getting a divorce.

Just as I was busking with confidence in my own relationship over my blog entry yesterday, I have to admit that I was a little shaken today. Maybe just a little.

I find myself counting the days, to Aug 9. Not because I am especially excited about National Day this year, but jj is going away to Perth for his training. We don't know the exact date... but the 9th seems to be the last big plan we have for this year before he leaves. One year. That's how long he'll be there.

I thought I am prepared this time round. I thought I have toughened up. I thought I am fine.

But I find myself staring into space quite a lot lately, lost in silence and emptiness.

There's this deep heart-aching feeling, whenever I rest my head on his shoulders.

This same feeling that hit me on the night when I went back home from school, after sending jj off to NOC earlier in the morning. I still sounded jovial over my tele-conversation with him when he called me while I was in Ray's car. A pretty normal day in school, which I spent with my usual ME gang. But when I was back in my room, I just sat on my bed and stoned a lot. And that continued for a few weeks. I don't remembered how long exactly.

Its not that I'm afraid that I won't tide over this period. I know I will, even when things get really tough for me back home. I have done it, I will do it again. But then again, I don't know why I'm blanking out so much lately. Is it a psychological self-protecting mechanism to shut myself up so that I feel less pain from the impending separation?

I know how important a career is, to a guy, to the extent that they can give up their love life. A nonchalant "bo bian, work too busy" was all my guy friend said, when I asked him "why a need for divorce?". For the many times that I have cried in front of jj, he only broke down once in front of me. That was when he thought that his pilot career would be jeopardized by his knee injury. I have never seen him that sad before. That was when I realized how important this one chance is, to him. And that was also when I decided that, knowing very well I have to give up the idea of having someone by my side all the time, I will fully support his choice.

I hope that we can stay strong, in the midst of all these frail relationships.

Labels: Blabbers

Saturday, May 24, 2008

-11:35 PM

I watched "Made of Honour" on Friday. It was such a lovely romantic comedy that tickled and made me teary at the same time. I guess drama aside, the show triggered some really sweet moments I shared with my own best friend. One guy, who stepped into my life and totally turned it around.

I met my best friend, maybe some time in July 2004, just before the start of my second year in uni. It was the o-week again, but this time round, I play the role of a counselor. One particular guy caught my eye. We didn't start with the wrong foot in, like Tom and Hannah. In fact, I remembered hitting off quite well with him. He was loud, he was fun, and he was always full of ideas to break the ice. Somewhat a charmer with an athletic built, yet far from the date-able material because he was what they called the "buaya" kind, which any of my true girl friends will advise me to stay away from. I seriously thought so myself too.

Then, I realized he got into mechanical engineering as well and I was even more surprised, to find both our names on the same list for the lab class. It was really easy to befriend him, for the sheer fact that we share a few common habits, like being late for lecture... so we would always end up sitting at the end of the row together. He was a great companion during the boring lab class. We would complain, bitch, chat, laugh, and I would feel that there was only the 2 of us in the class.

In a matter of just a few months, I felt that he knew me for long, sometimes, better than I know myself and we became best friends... somewhat inseparable. We went for the same tutorials, met up for lunch, hang out in Fusion Cafe after labs and spent hours and hours together. I appreciated some of the little things he did for me, that made me feel really special as his best friend. I vaguely remember once, I skipped lunch while waiting for my bf (then) and I was complaining about being hungry on my blog. And the next thing I knew when I shut down the com to go for lecture, my best friend turned up with my fav sandwich from biz canteen. This blissful moment, of having someone to care for me, was unforgettable. A sandwich that filled my stomach and warmed my heart.

I liked my best friend's kent ridge hall room. It was cosy and neat, not exactly what I had expected. He had a lava lamp beside his bed, tiny spotlights above his study desk, a carpeted rug on the floor and a tiny fridge filled with yakult and apples. He showed me hilarious video clips of his army days, and I thought he looked pretty spectacular in his pilot jumper.

We shared the same umbrella once, under a mild rain. It didn't matter to me how close we really were physically, under the tiny shelter, because we were really best friends.

We shared the same taste in music, he would always keep some nice tunes in his black creative muvo and we would listen to them together, in the library while studying or in the park next to arts forum.

The first Christmas, we both bought something for each other. I picked out a gel warmer for him 'cos he kept getting himself injured during his basketball trainings. I hesitated for a while, because one came in the heart shape, the other one with a smiley face. I chose the heart. He got me a piglet, which has since not left the side of my bed. We celebrated at fish&co glasshouse, and shared a sucky pineapple special mix which comes free with the seafood platter. But the dinner was still great, because there were, just the 2 of us.

And then, there was Vday. My best friend gave me a balloon, said he got it from a friend who was trying to sell for his hall. Whatever reason it might be, I thought that balloons are sweeter than roses for that Vday. After our usual lab session, he asked if I want to go to Holland V Swenson's for fondue. Knowing very well that I'll be late (very late) to meet my bf, I still went ahead. As we dipped those pieces of cut strawberries and kiwis into the hot choco, I wondered why I had to leave. Why did I choose to leave my best friend there, when my heart is reluctant? At the end of the day, I decided that it was the best and worst Vday I ever had. Troubled, was written all over my face the next day. How could I expect my best friend to miss that out. He told me this "Sometimes, things do not happen the way we want them to..." Indeed, that was so true.

My best friend continued to be there for me and showered me with surprises. He made this really professional-looking tiny bouquet of 3 white roses (that he picked from his sis's wedding decorations during the banquet) which brightened another day of our mugging in biz library. On another instance, he asked the "NUS tour bus" driver to drop by the bus stop (I was a road marshal stationed there) to give me a flower-sculptured balloon and tied it around my wrist during '05 open house. We lugged one string of at least 20 balloons into his hall room just to take photos with. Crazy little thoughtful things he did, that made us stay together.

Of all the things he had done for me, I am really thankful for one; my best friend did not wait till the day when I have to marry the wrong guy to tell me that he love me, because I love him too.

I wish that for the four years of happiness you have given me, I can give u a lifetime of bliss from this moment onwards. To my best friend & love, jj.

Labels: lettre

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

-11:48 PM

It sucks when I'm unhappy, but i realized today, that sometimes, it sucks more to hear of someone else being unhappy and you don't know the reason why.

I hardly talk about my job to anyone outside work. When being asked upon, my usual reply would be "I guess its pretty okie." I find myself not being able to capture fun moments at work and relate them to my friends. It seems like we're all in very different worlds. I guess I tend to enjoy the smaller things in life. Good company, good food = good day. At work, I deal a lot with many kinds of people. From drastically nasty to incredibly nice people, I've more or less have either met one, or worked with one in my 10 months into real employment. How do I feel about my job? Sincerely, I kind of like it. Like the way I can take ownership of my projects. Love the fact that I'm given the opportunities to always try something new. Enjoys talking to some of my "clients" and learning along the way while giving them the technical support to the best of my ability and knowledge. But well... there are always 2 sides to a coin.

Many people, including some of my suppliers and "clients", think that our job is the best offer you can get. Competitive salary, a 9 -5 job where most slackers will leave on time, ample time for tea break and lunch... work a bit, type a few emails, time to head home and enjoy a balanced work-life. Fact of life, it doesn't really come close. I mean, most people outside are not given the choice to skip OT, and yes, over here, we pretty much decide ourselves whether OT is necessary. but given the amount of time each day, I would say that it's really not enough for any one of us to clear the work we have on hand. Each one of us assume many roles while undertaking our job. We're like technical service providers, at the same time we have to provide almost round-the-clock support to the systems we brought in (some of us really do...). We prepare requirements and call for tender, negotiate with suppliers, cut contract. We assessed technical specs, do trials, generate reports to ascertain the safety of the systems. We manage and oversee projects (not just one... but many!) to ensure there's no slippage in project schedules, budgets and requirements are met, potential pitfalls are mitigated beforehand and all project documents are filed in audit-passable manner. We're answerable to quite a few parties; the team, our boss, our boss's boss, "the one up there", our suppliers, our "clients", the procurement executive who works hand-in hand with us, and supposedly, the tax-payers too (or so i was told). Sounds like a tough job? It sure is. We definitely don't sit around in the office and wait for the hour-hand to strike 6.

But I guess for now, I'm still loving it.

Labels: Blabbers

Monday, February 11, 2008

-12:13 AM

Seems like some donkey years since my last entry...

Tonight, I have no idea what brought me online. I think it must have been the loneliness pangs hitting me after a long weekend of festive gatherings. Going through the motions of exchanging oranges, collecting ang baos, playing rounds of mahjong and blackjack seems very different, as compared to years ago. I never did once appreciate the importance of doing things together as a family during Chinese New Year. But since my grandmother left us, I can't help but resent the lack of family togetherness. Its funny to think back now, how New Year's eve always end up with a stressed wife (my mum) squabbling with her demanding mother-in-law (my grandma), and an innocent young girl (me) caught in the middle, with the husband (my dad) no where to be found (or doing some last minute cleaning - got to give my dad some credit for that), while waiting for the rest of the family to come for the dinner. We always had great food, no matter how tight our budget was, because my grandmother had this amazing habit of keeping cans of abalone, packets of dried scallops, and expensive chinese mushrooms all stashed somewhere for the New Year Dinner. Now, dinner is much simply. Me, and mum, and dad. 3 dishes + 1 soup.

This Chinese New Year, I really miss my old friends... though I don't remember spending any CNY over at any friends' place, except for sheena's "gambling den". As I was heading down to jj's sis's place on sat night, I was thinking about how joo and her gang might be celebrating their CNY, and how I wished that I have a bunch of girl friends who meet up as often as they do. Its not that my companion are boring, they are great people... but somehow its just different. To have girls' companion in shopping, high-tea-ing, dreaming about being tai tais one day together over a slice of cheesecake, fighting over the same pair of shoes, sharing the same great taste in guys... nowadays, I cannot seem to ask anyone out without having the bf tagging along (I'm not referring to anyone in particular, really) or to ask anyone out without having to give a reason... like "oh.. its my birthday, would you like to come out for a while?" Gosh.

Enough for tonight's blabbers, I just hope I can keep up the blogging tempo.

Labels: Blabbers

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

-12:09 AM

I just realized that my last entry was the time when I went for my dental appointment at NDC, and now... my op is just TOMORROW!

Given the number of surgical videos, real surgical ops, and exposures to all kinds of medical know-hows relating to surgery (minor or major) during my specialization in biomech, I must say that it has greatly affected me, in a negative way. I was telling jj how traumatized I was last night, having the op nearing, and I'm still not exactly mentally prepared for it. I'm losing sleep over it... seeing blood every time I closed my eyes. But actually, I think I'm just freaking out, because, really... removing the wisdom tooth is such a common and simple procedures and it will be over in a blink. The thing with me is that I have such great fertile imagination that I subconsciously start to imagine the steps of the procedures... sometimes it sucks to be an Aquarius (we are known to be really imaginative people).

And sometimes, I wonder... why did I even take up the specialization? Besides offering some minor advices to some friends on the lasik procedures (or maybe offering them some details to deter them from having one), I see no practical future use for the cert. But I guess the kind of experience I had, I can never find anywhere else which can offer me the same unless of cos, I'm in medicine fac.

And I'm wondering as well, am I falling into the rat race? That I cannot even pull myself away from work for the next 3 days? I heard that removal of the wisdom tooth is at least a 3-5 days MC affair, but I see myself packing files into my bag so that I can continue my work for the next 2 days, and planning to return to work on friday so that I can arrange a meeting with my suppliers. And with all these, I have only started work for 4 months. But seriously, with the number of courses I have to attend as a new staff, I don't really have the opportunity to clear my work at my work desk... now I see why there's a need to issue each of us with a laptop.

I hope I can sleep better tonight... wish me luck for my little op tml!

Monday, August 27, 2007

-11:20 PM

"There's no miracles in this world, only science n advances, and cold hard cash"

I went down to NDC (National Dental Centre) today for a check-up regarding my left lower wisdom tooth. Had been giving me problems on and off for the past year, and I finally plucked enough courage (or rather, I just couldn't endure the bi-monthly pain that it causes) to go for the extraction, which is going to take place in the first week of Oct.

Actually, the check-up was a comfortable experience. I was greeted by a pretty, young, female dentist with a great smile. The best thing was, I didn't have to wait long. Immediately, I was ushered to take my x-ray, and when I walked back to the clinic area, she was standing there waiting for me. Then, she walked me to another cubicle ('cos the previous one was taken up). BUT, she got me confused with another patient. So the first thing she said when she looked at my x-ray was, "Do you want to go for general anesthetic? We can remove all 4 wisdom teeth at the same time." It struck me totally... 4!?!? Since when did I say I want to extract 4? I was expecting 1! Then she apologized for confusing me with another patient who complained of pain in both sides of the jaw. Gosh... how could she? Eventually, it was still decided that I'll remove 2, since the left upper tooth will be useless, but under local anesthetic. Sian~

Though the whole process was quick and efficient, the consultation and 1 x-ray cost me $55.50! Should I even mentioned that they charged me $7 for consumables? Which I can only think of the plastic sheet that I chewed on during the x-ray, the dentist's gloves and face-mask. And that cost $7?!?! Unless they include the plastic face shield and the shower cap as well. It still seems unreasonable why these charges go to me... when I didn't use them!

I just hope the procedure will be endurable and things will turn out just fine. Praying hard that I'll get an experienced dental surgeon...

Oh.. and why did I even mention that quotable quote? That's because the dentist also suggested that I can consider having braces next. And this is exactly what she said, "Have you considered braces? Trust me, the 2 years is really worth it, then you'll really look good." The "really look good" part sounds nice, but the "2 years" and the "$4000 plus" really turns me off. 2 years of soft non-sticky food (I read it as "yucky porridge"), extraction of more teeth (to allow space for new alignment), potential gum sores and ulcers... all these, I might be able to endure if I keep the end in mind... but, must I really pay $4k on some shape-memory wires made of Nickel? Looking at the way I procrastinated about my wisdom tooth extraction, let me just sit on this idea till next year... maybe in one of those moments of impulse, I might really go and fulfill my dream of having a million-dollar perfect smile! =)

Labels: Blabbers

Thursday, August 23, 2007

-11:42 PM

Came back from Ikea today, with $30+ worth of storage boxes and file organizers, hoping that I can finally start clearing up my room. It has been in a total mess since my last semester in NUS and I haven't got the time, or the energy, to put everything in place.

So I stood at one corner of my room, and asked myself, where should I start? I picked one of the drawers to start (yes, I'm planning a total revamp of the whole storage space in my room). This drawer contains a lot of memories from my school days... postcards and letters... I think they speak more of my life than if I had kept a diary then. A diary would have been a record of my thoughts, and they might be thwarted by my emotions. But letters and postcards are different, they captured the intent of the writer, and some of which, are reflections of how others thought of me. And this is so important, because as we grow older, some memories diminish. And the more we try hard to remember the actual facts, the more we will change the facts to suit the person we are now. Or worse, we often try to give our own reasons to the things which happened in the past, forgetting that most of the times, things happened due to reasons which we cannot comprehend.

Every time I read through a pile of letters, I learn something new about my past. This time, I chanced upon the "forgotten" pile. The first few, are birthday cards, more than 5 of them, wishing me a "Happy 18th Birthday"... from JC classmates, guys, girls, church mates... And I thought "Wow, I must have be quite popular...". It’s been such a LONG time since I receive so many blessings on my birthdays. Now, I'm just happy to get a sms.

Then, there are a few X'mas cards... from my sec sch mates, and JC hockey mates... all ending with the same line "I'm so glad to have u as my friend and I hope we'll be friends 4eva". But since when "4eva" is ever "forever". How many friends have we lost contact over the years? And now, even if we do meet on the streets, what can we actually say to each other? But we have shared tears and joy together, we've hugged, we've trained hard, and we've talked like we knew each other since young. So why is it, that all of us have drifted apart? When we have promised to "stay in contact"? Why don't I even have the chance to see anyone on the streets anymore?

Then… the next few letters and postcards, stirred my heart... these were from my first boyfriend. I seldom talked to anyone about him, because our relationship was so short-lived, 190202-220402. We were very different person: He was from Arts, interested in politics, had a good flair in his languages, wore nice cologne to school and had a white warm sweater in lectures. I was from Science, team captain of hockey, crazy about outdoors, marked by the discipline mistress for my choice of striking colors on my latest pair of Nike shoes, and spotted in lectures with an over-sized SAJC sports jacket. We seemed like we’re on the opposite sides of the scale, but we still got together.

Like I said, if I had kept a diary, what I would be reading now probably goes like this: “I just couldn’t stand how sticky he became… always waiting for me to end my hockey training… I don’t need anyone to take care of me!” The truth is, I didn’t love him as much as he loved me, because there was always someone else, occupying that little space in my heart (the major part belongs to my SA hockey team). As I was reading through the letters, my memories flashed back to this particular day:

~It was the end of the day and I was feeling quite weak and sick. I walked to the balcony (2^nd floor above the canteen) and looked over to the soccer field. “Great, the game has just started, I didn’t miss much…” He hurried over, after receiving news that I was sick and wanted to send me home to rest. As weak as I was, I just wanted to sit quietly and finish watching the game. Being cared for by the guy who loves me a lot, and looking at the guy whom I thought I love a lot, at the same time, was really a horrible feeling. Instantly, I felt more sick and had no choice but to head home~

Looking back, I think I have really hurt a guy who stayed true to his promise of “I pledge to take care of you & be faithful to you”. Love, could actually be so simple, but life just complicates it. I was bothered by his past relationship, and my own abstinence in believing that I stood a chance with “the guy who offered me his jacket during the movie”.

We all learn from the past. I’ve learned a great deal. Love, can be as simple as just being patient.

Labels: Blabbers